American corporations both large and small have annoying and hated Human Resource programs that you are all familiar with because you may have experienced and loathed them like millions of your coworkers. The worst of these are Performance Reviews.
Performance Reviews are given annually by disinterested managers who are required to write short topical blurbs on their employee’s performance for the past year. Most employees hate performance reviews and most managers hate giving them but both are beholden to HR and Legal in their efforts to prevent lawsuits, manage budgets, justify staff, and project customer growth and retention.
But mostly they are used to document for the purposes of firing
disliked poor performing employees.
Business needs aside, performance reviews and their cousins – probationary reviews, action plans, and the best predictor of the fact one is about to be fired, the dreaded Performance Improvement Plan or, PIP.
Employees are often told by their manager that “I am giving you this PIP so that I can document how I am helping you.”
Don’t believe it.
The PIP is the documented evidence HR needs to prove to the State or, failing that, to the Court and your lawyer that the company tried really, really, hard to help you perform your job but as the detail on the form that was filled out by the manager who is quite sick of you shows, you weren’t up to the task and therefore you were rightfully terminated, let go, fired, invited to find another job, and/or asked to resign with a quickness.
In short, if you are unexpectedly invited into your manager’s office and presented with a PIP, you can be certain that your local HR, your boss’s boss, and a few other people already approved the action about to be joyfully shared with you. You have lost by the time the internally crowd-sourced PIP has been written so your best action is to strongly commit to doing your part before you immediately start looking for another job.
That brings us the need of a Performance Action Plan for the American government.
While we could use data that spans decades or even centuries, PIP’s are more effective when presented in a timely manner with recent performance results that are more impactful to the recipient. PIP’s are also more effective when the manager includes actions that she will take to help the employee meet the objectives outlined in the document – plus it looks good in court when it comes to that.
Here then, is America’s PIP.
To: The United States, Aka, America, ‘Merica, Amerikka
From: The World and co-signed by American Black, Native, and a few really nice white folk
Re: Performance Improvement Plan (Pip)
America, this is a Performance Improvement Plan, PIP, that is in effect due to your recent results which do not meet the global society’s performance expectations and which are significantly below global standards as well as some of your own citizen’s standards.
As a result of your consistent failure to achieve the standards set forth in your promotion
after dropping two nukes on Japan document when you were made Leader of The Free World this plan is being issued. You are expected to achieve all the targets outlined herein in the designated time.
I have also listed three things I will do to help you achieve your targets.
America, I want you to know that I believe you can meet these goals and go on to have a successful career as a country.
Here are your targets:
- Secure your 2020 elections by reverting back to paper ballots. I recognize the time it will take to tally millions of ballots by hand but consider that less than half of your eligible voters bother to vote so this is very achievable.
- Begin mandatory automatic voter registration at age of 18.
- Send 8-12 apology letters to all the other departments (countries)/former allies you have mistreated and offended over the past few years.
- Retract that trillion-dollar tax cut and redistribute that money to: Homeless, unemployed, underemployed, Vet, others, and tax wealthy people & Individuals.
- Remove every corrupt judge you put in place starting with B. Kavanaugh.
America, there are many more actions that will be done should you
survive achieve these goals, including helping the poor, ending citizens united, reestablishing the Paris Accords, and many, many others that we will address, including dog-walking swamp-draining all of your current administration.
Here are the actions I will take to assist you:
- Preview all your written communication (this will be in place forever).
- Conduct 1-1’s w ten of your co-conspirators workers (McConnell, Graham, Miller, DeVos, Hannity, Conway, Deutsche Bank, Nunes, Ivanka, Epstein’s pimp lady) And fire/jail as appropriate.
- Change all WH locks, Nuke Codes, and passwords.
America, I am confident you can achieve these targets. I want you to know the world values you and like 65m of your citizens, want you to do better.
However failure to achieve these goals within the designated timeframe may lead to further disciplinary actions, up to and including termination.
The World or 95.73% of the humans on this planet
© 2019 by Myron J. Clifton, Dear Dean Publishing. All Rights Reserved.
this is PERFECT! Its coming up to that time of the year, and I would LOVE to write this PIP!!!